美國毒舌名嘴瓊瑞佛斯(Joan Rivers)於今年九月月初因接受喉嚨手術、一度失去知覺，還要靠呼吸器維持性命，最後仍不敵死神在家人的陪伴下離世，享年81歲。

 

 

雖然台灣人不太熟悉這號人物，不過她在美國的娛樂圈可佔有一席地位，她不僅是喜劇演員、主持人，更是時尚評論家，她不僅會批評明星不合時宜的打扮，更喜歡自嘲、大開自己的玩笑。儘管她一張嘴不饒人，卻句句是經典，現在就讓我們看看被她點名過的名人有誰吧！

 

 

“Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.”

「伊莉莎白泰勒好肥，她根本就在她的阿斯匹靈醬上面塗美乃滋吧！」

 

 

 

 "At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."

「我想要梅莉史翠普在我的葬禮上用五種不同的口音哭給我聽。」

 

 

 

 “All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.”

「嬰兒們看起來都好像芮妮齊薇格整張臉貼在玻璃窗上。」

 

 

 

“I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.”

「我覺得小賈斯汀看起來好像蕾絲邊，他就是那種雪兒會想要的女兒。」

 

 

 

Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

「瑪丹娜的毛好多，每次她把手舉起來的時候，我都以為是蒂娜杜娜在她的胳肢窩。」

 

 

 

“Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote.”

「看看葛妮絲派特蘿又被提名為最漂亮的年度女性了，投給她的人應該是海倫凱勒和史蒂夫汪達吧！」

 

 

 

 

“ If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.”

「如果凱特溫絲蕾可以瘦個幾公斤，鐵達尼號就不會沈船了。」

 

 

 

“You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mom' backwards.”

「你想要讓辛蒂克勞馥困惑嗎？叫她把”Mom”這個單字倒過來拼音。」

 

 

 

 

“I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken.”

「我遇過愛黛兒！她那首歌叫什麼來著：「Rolling In The Deep」？她應該要加上炸雞的。」

 

 

 

除了婊其他藝人之外，Joan Rivers婊自己更是不遺餘力：

 

“I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

「我看起來一點也不性感，要不是我老公翻來覆去睡不著，我們也不會有機會生小孩。」

 

 

 

“My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”

「我的性生活糟透了，我的G點已經被列為歷史景點了。」

 

 

“I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

「我問我老公：『為什麼你不在我們做愛的時候叫我的名字？』我老公說：『我不想把你吵醒』。」

 

 

“My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there but they don't want to visit.”

「我的私處就像是紐華克。男人都知道這個地方，但是他們都不想來拜訪。」

 

 

 

 

除了婊人之外，她還是講過不少比神回覆還要更神的經典名言：

 

“The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.”

「女人真正會高潮的時候是逛街時。」

 

 

 

 "I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive." 

「我享受每件在我生命中發生的事情，我不在乎是好事還是壞事，因為那代表我還活著。」

 

 

 

 

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

「人們都說金錢不是打開幸福大門的鑰匙，但是我一直覺得如果你夠有錢，你才可以去打鑰匙啊！」

 

 

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

「不要害怕自嘲，不然你可能會錯過本世紀最好笑的笑話。」

 

 

 

Joan Rivers

1933 – 2014

 

 

Joan Rivers的女兒 Melissa Rivers在母親過世時發表聲明：「我母親這輩子最大的樂趣就是讓大家笑，雖然現在我們可能笑不出來，但是我相信她的遺願就是我們很快又能再開懷大笑。」

 

 

 

Source: Joan Rivers dead at 81: Comedian's best jokes – express, Joan Rivers' ten most outrageous celebrity put downs- independent, Thanks for the Laughs, Joan Rivers: 47 of Her Greatest Jokes-eonline,  Celebrate comedian's life with her 80 bitchiest putdowns and funniest one-liners-mirror